I have the house to myself for a few days. In trying to invoke some type of magical transformation for myself, I decided to have no contact with anyone and silence for 24 hours.

I broke silence three times. Two times with email and one trip to the grocery store. I guess the temptations were too great. The more I try things like this the less I am in awe of people who go into the mountains for months. It’s easy to be zen with no distractions.

When all is said and done I am in a better mood. I’m going dancing tonight too.

A day after getting her Henna Tattoo, the top layer being crumbling and Penelope helped scrape it off.  What’s cool is that over the past couple days since then the ink has been darkening.  This is supposed to happen but still it’s cool to watch.

I feel the medicine strongly. I am eating fine. What is difficult is the thinking. If this one feels like this what will the next one be like?

On the day I saw my acupuncturist I told her I was not doing well. And she asked me how I’d like to be doing. I realized that my body will do whatever it needs to do and that does not mean I am not “doing well.” I am doing just fine at this task!

I’ve had so many inspiring thoughts or interactions but haven’t posted about them. I feel so inward. I feel the love and support around me but at the same time I need lots of alone time.

We went to the Art Walk and a woman walked by me and just gave me the thumbs up. No talking. No need for her to hear anything from me. It was probably something my dad did to someone at some point. And I’m sure I’ll do it too someday.

So good that I didn’t think to take my anti-nausea medicine this morning. Nor did I take a pro-biotic, which really seems to help my digestion.

When I started to feel a little queasy I did my favorite thing. I took a bath. I quickly realized that hot water and nausea are the best of friends. But I couldn’t get myself to climb out of the tub! Instead I called to Will to bring me my medication. Then I called to him to bring me water. Then I called for him to bring me 7-UP. Then I looked in the bathtub and it was filled with my hair! As I still couldn’t get out of the bathtub I began collecting and flicking hair to the edge of the tub for easier clean up. This passed the time and my nausea dissipated. It also gave me an added bonus: it cured me of wanting to keep my hair!

I am so done with this hair that I can’t wait for it to be gone! As soon as I got out of the tub I called a hairdresser.

Yesterday was a great day. I was going to say it was the Qigong session and walk which made the difference but the day started off with me up early! Which is usually unheard of.

I feel like I have the lay of the land now. First part nausea, second part fatigue, third part a break! And we do it all over again three more times. I CAN do that!

Then on to the once a week for 12 weeks. Then an easy year of once a week.

As my Aunt Wilma would say, one step at a time. :-)

I decided last night I needed to buy scarves now! I hadn’t seen anything in town. I did searched the Internet, ended up on eBay and found some cute options.

I out bid someone and instantly felt guilty. Oh no! I am in a bidding war with other chemo patients! How uncool is that? We should be working together and helping each other! But here I am, perhaps taking away some poor woman’s only head wear option! Will she be walking around with only her old bandanna to wrap her head?

I fret away, until Will assures me the seller has hundreds and probably puts some up for auction every hour.

I hope she knows to look again.

Ever since I turned thirty I’ve been having these moments of accomplishment where I say to myself, “OK, I can die now”, as in “I’m living a full life”. There’s a checklist buried deep in my subconscious - a “to do” list of events and tasks that increase my level of contentment with my own mortality.

The best thing about this list is it’s a discovery process. I have zero visibility as to what is on that list. What do know so far is that the list isn’t full of items that are universal experiences. You know like, climb the pyramids of Egypt (although that does sound fun).

For example I had a great one the other night at home while cooking dinner. I was in the kitchen, and all the sudden the song Antilyrical by Seaweed starts playing, the first track on their album Actions and Indications. I assumed it was Dawn being sweet - Seaweed is one of my favorite bands and I would argue the best post-punk band period. A lot of good memories are associated with Seaweed.

Minutes later the song Thru The Window, the next song on the album, starts playing and the volume goes up a couple clicks. Wow, this is great I’m thinking, my wife must be rocking out in the other room.

Next Hard Times starts up, a quick song with some heavy punk surges to it that you just cannot help to lunge forward in time with. In comes my daughter, shirtless and in tights, holding the music control and hopping around and shaking her head. With her red hair she’s like a really cute version of Animal from the muppets. I smile at her and she smiles back, and turns it up another notch. We form a tiny mosh pit in a kitchen in the middle of Iowa.

I realize my four year old daughter has not only found, but loves, Seaweed.

Another item checked off my big to do list.

It hasn’t been for me. And that is me. Things don’t come easy to me because I don’t like them to. That is who I am.

I talked to a “survivor” who went through the same chemo treatment. She made it sound like a cake walk. Now, I know she wanted to be supportive and positive and that is appreciated but at the same time I resented her. I resent her for having it easy. It was like she was saying, “it should be easy for you.”

I have to look at myself and ask why can’t I let this be as easy as possible on me? Why can’t I get out of my way? The crux of my life is to lighten up and get out of my way.

As of yesterday I was better but still very tired and really worried about it. Today, I talked to another woman who had the same surgery as I and she said she was not ready to go back to work at this point and was really tired. Whew. I realize I am just still recovering and dealing with thoughts of chemo. This took a lot of pressure off of me.

I did some great stuff for my healing today (my daily goals and then some). I also made a yummy birthday cake. I am happy to say I feel damn good.

Happy Birthday Will!

I feel like the fog has lifted and I am clear on what to do. Which is kinda funny because I just have to show up (just like most of life). But now I have all the stuff around it to give me something to feel in charge of. My daily goals are to meditate, journal, and juice, and yoga or Qigong.

A couple of times of week I will have a short massage and a gentle yoga class or Qigong.

On chemo days my goals are to have acupuncture and breakfast before treatment, ice chips during, and if need be, pot afterwards.

I changed my first treatment to Monday to get all of these things in place.