There are many things Dawn and I are thankful for, and one of them is the extremely low probability that we will be sued by Walmart.

Let me day dream here for a moment:  Obama becomes President of United States and uses the red phone to order air strikes on the homes of Walmart executives.

Not going to be shopping there ever again.

I’ve never become interested in any of the TV Reality shows clogging our entertainment tubes these days. But after watching Die Another Day the other night I’ve thought of one I would be interested in.

Let me first explain to anyone not familiar with Die Another Day that it is the worst movie I have seen in 5 years and most certainly in the top ten worst movies I have ever seen. It’s not only just a bad movie - with bad dialog and bad acting and bad effects and bad plot. But it is the most colossal waste of resources I have witnessed in a single film: Die Another Day is like the Iraq War of movies. I’ll even bet that like the war, it was pitched with two fingers crossed behind someone’s back.

Ok so here’s the idea for a new reality show. It’s called, “Hollywood Post Mortem”. Basically you take all the people responsible for a movie like Die Another Day. You put them all in a big glass room, built in the middle of a large food court at a popular mall. On all sides of the glass room is a big sign explaining to passers by that these are the people responsible for Die Another Day, which is playing continuously on a huge screen high in the food court.

In that room they must stay until they complete an extensive and hopefully for the audience, an explosive, post-mortem on the film; which must be summarized as a “director’s style commentary” to be released on the internet for public viewing. Viewers will then have 7 days to watch the movie with the post-mortem commentary, and then vote on which person was least responsible for making the movie so bad. That person is the winner.  Every other person in the post-mortem will then have to pay the winner all the money they received for making the film. The winner is announced at the beginning of next week’s show.

I would watch that show religiously.

Before publishing this post I would like to point out the only single frame worth viewing in Die Another Day:

If I was in charge I would ban commercial jingles.

Three days ago I was at Menards, the local version of Home Depot and Lowes. I spent about two hours in the tile section ordering materials for our bathroom remodel. The entire time I was there a jingle played over the intercom: “You save big money, save big money, when you shooooooop Menardssss.”

That’s it. Over and over and over and over again. It doesn’t seem too irritating while you’re in the store, but that is mostly due to that fact that the mega hardware store environment is full of irritating factors competing for your frustration. Like employees that know next to absolutely nothing about anything being sold in the store. Or the high probability that the reason you are currently in the store is because you had to return a product from your last visit and will probably end up at the store again in several days returning a product purchased on this visit.

So I woke up this morning and there it was in my head - the jingle - more clearly than ever. “You save big money, save big money, when you shooooooop Menardssss.” I feel so violated! I’d rather a spaceship come down, snatch me up, conduct bizarre and painful expirements for several hours and then deposit me naked in the Menards parking lot before returning to outer space. At least that would be interesting to me and I could appreciate the motives of the aliens aboard that spaceship.

But this Menards jingle. Someone from my own species has considered it ok to essentially conduct a form of brainwashing. If I walked into the Menards store and one of the clerks threw a moldy peach at me I’d be able to retaliate with some legal action. Because throwing moldy peaches at customers is breaking the law. But driving people insane is not. Go figure.

If I was in charge - using jingles on other people would bring harsh consequences.