Once again I’ve spent weeks trying to write a non-chemo post. Frankly though nothing these days is as interesting to me as me. How’s that for small sizes?

My final Adriamycin and Cytoxan treatment was not near as bad as I feared. I got to a good place before the treatment (see my last post) then after my treatment I had some good old fashion healing time at my mom’s and then some serious time alone at Amma. I just came to a wonderful place. I mean I was centered, in the now, feeling great, whatever other positive catch phase you can think of, I was it.

Wednesday I went to meet my new oncologist. I’ll be doing my next set of treatments (Taxotere and Herceptin) a block away from my house in the ER of Jefferson County Hospital. My new doc. seems good. All should be well. But since that meeting my stomach and mood has been at times a little sour and at times very sour.

I know this is all in my power. I was not sick from chemo. I now realize how powerful my attitude impacts my recovery. Yet it can be very difficult to master.

I think that behind every negative emotion is fear. So I just have to have compassion for myself that I am scared. Why I could completely overcome it before and not now, I don’t know. It’s different now. You think you get it all figured out and the game changes.

This of course is the beauty of life! ;-)

I’ve been looking at the funnel cloud entry for weeks now and thinking I need to write a post on the floods. Each time I went to write about it, I drew a blank. It has affected my family down in Keokuk, Iowa and Hamilton, Illinois. Thankfully, they, their homes and their businesses are all fine. Here in Fairfield we are far from any river though. And so, it’s been easy for me to focus on myself.

It’s been four months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don’t believe I’ve had cancer since the surgical removal of it three months ago. But because cancer was found in two lymph nodes I am going thru six months of chemo and a year of herceptin.

I haven’t been very emotional about the whole thing. Kinda shut down but trying to focus on the positive and being healthy. After my acupuncture appointment last night I could just feel all this emotion being released. I started crying off and on the whole day today. I mostly cried when I felt the support around me. But, I have been scared about this up and coming chemo.

My sushi delivery was canceled today and it totally overwhelmed me (it’s funny how obsessive I am about my food and what I can eat after chemo). Soon after this call I got another call from a dear, dear friend who offered to make me sushi!

I found out that I have three sessions of yoga/body work paid for by friends!

Tom Stark, a wonderful dear heart, came by today and did some Qigong work with me.

My husband hugged me through out the day.

Done by local Mehndi artist Sarah Alderfer.

I feel the medicine strongly. I am eating fine. What is difficult is the thinking. If this one feels like this what will the next one be like?

On the day I saw my acupuncturist I told her I was not doing well. And she asked me how I’d like to be doing. I realized that my body will do whatever it needs to do and that does not mean I am not “doing well.” I am doing just fine at this task!

I’ve had so many inspiring thoughts or interactions but haven’t posted about them. I feel so inward. I feel the love and support around me but at the same time I need lots of alone time.

We went to the Art Walk and a woman walked by me and just gave me the thumbs up. No talking. No need for her to hear anything from me. It was probably something my dad did to someone at some point. And I’m sure I’ll do it too someday.

It started out with me reading stories in bed with P at 5:50. We let daddy sleep in and went outside to visit the garden and our favorite tree. After going on a walk, we headed to the Farmer’s Market. I bought SIX (!) types of basil and drank two fresh juices (carrot, apple, lemon and ginger) two plates of veggie sushi, a bite of a cinnamon roll and a chocolate, cherry jam and fresh whipped cream crepe. I am telling you, all of it seriously good. Can someone get me in touch with the young woman who is doing the sushi?

P played long and hard. I lounged on a blanket, visiting or staring at the sky. It was such a pleasure to not get caught up with who or what was going on. We came home and the three of us spent some family time. I made phone calls for help with my knitting and for babysitting. Both calls returned immediately with yeses.

Will and I had a lovely dinner and a movie. We walked to the car holding hands.

Nothing special. I felt normal. Ahh to feel normal. Ahh to feel at total ease with my “normal” day.

So good that I didn’t think to take my anti-nausea medicine this morning. Nor did I take a pro-biotic, which really seems to help my digestion.

When I started to feel a little queasy I did my favorite thing. I took a bath. I quickly realized that hot water and nausea are the best of friends. But I couldn’t get myself to climb out of the tub! Instead I called to Will to bring me my medication. Then I called to him to bring me water. Then I called for him to bring me 7-UP. Then I looked in the bathtub and it was filled with my hair! As I still couldn’t get out of the bathtub I began collecting and flicking hair to the edge of the tub for easier clean up. This passed the time and my nausea dissipated. It also gave me an added bonus: it cured me of wanting to keep my hair!

I am so done with this hair that I can’t wait for it to be gone! As soon as I got out of the tub I called a hairdresser.

After sleeping in while smelling pancakes, I woke to greet my last day of feeling good for a little awhile. I went to the bathroom and shook the hair off my sleeping cap. Even with handfuls going today, it’s hanging in there. I’d say a couple more days before I turn to the scarfs.

I am having a nice mother’s day and at the same time I feel tense about tomorrow. I got an email from a survivor and it was just what I needed to feel more confident. There is something so comforting in saying how you feel to someone who’s been through it.

And it looks great too! Because it has started falling out it looks like it has been beautifully textured. I’ll have Will take a picture before it all goes.

Tonight P and I had a special ladies night out dinner. I was excited that I had a night of good looking hair. When P and I returned to the car she said, “mommy, what is that hairy stuff on the seat?” I thought, “Oh my god! Driving over here I lost a huge patch of hair! I have a bald patch in the back of my head! It’s on the car seat!!” I ran around to the front seat to see my scarf sitting there with only the fringe visible to P in the back.

I am still laughing.

Yesterday was a great day. I was going to say it was the Qigong session and walk which made the difference but the day started off with me up early! Which is usually unheard of.

I feel like I have the lay of the land now. First part nausea, second part fatigue, third part a break! And we do it all over again three more times. I CAN do that!

Then on to the once a week for 12 weeks. Then an easy year of once a week.

As my Aunt Wilma would say, one step at a time. :-)

It seems everyone I see says how great I look. What will everyone say when I have no hair and I am pasty white? A couple of people have said that everyone will say the same thing.

I have my book club on Thursday. I’ve imagined that all my hair falls out there. I don’t think it works like that but I’ll bring a scarf just in case.