I start my chemo sessions with the best intentions. I have The Power Of Now I can read. I have guided meditations I can do. But, chemo is just like a cross-atlantic plane ride. At some point you just want to zone out. The point happens pretty quickly for me. It’s like I’m in the middle seat between two burly men who are hogging the armrests and I just can’t get comfortable. I’m there for 5 to 6 hours and can’t sleep because the “pre-meds” make me jumpy and high. Not, oh lovely I’ve had a glass of wine high but a, “yuck! my legs are twitching! My head is spinnnning”!

I found one drug that is so powerful that it actually curbs all side effects or put another way, curbs life. Television.

Although we have 6 viewing screens in the house (4 computer screens, 1 older TV, and 1 BFTV) we do not have any television access. We think we are pretty special for this, as you can probably attest from speaking to us or reading our blog.

After not viewing TV regularly for more than ten years I can clearly see the dumbing down hypnotic effect it has. I turned the TV on shortly after my first drug was administered. I was completely absorbed for hours even though there was nothing good on the 70+ channels. I think for the first hour or two I was consumed with disbelief. I guess at some point I was cooped and became enthrawled with Project Runway. So much so that I worried chemo would end before the show did.

Now there is something seriously wrong with that.

This week I’ll be visiting the library for a good book on tape.

I miss Tim Russert dearly.  Why?  Because with him went his informative, educated and unbiased journalism.  And the vacuum created by his absence is being filled with Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow.  These are two people who’s political views I agree with 99%, but let’s be clear - they are not journalists.  They’re the left wing version of Rush Limbaugh and I cringe anytime I see their commentaries.

I don’t know what I find more negligent - that MSNBC, like FOX, promotes people like this as journalists, or that Keith and Rachel use their pulpit to mock, smirk and smear when they have valid and defensible viewpoints that could easily be delivered in an unbiased and critical format.

Check out Rachel here.  She asks her guest to give the McCain camp some advice, the guest replies by not giving advice, and then she acknowledges that he gave advice.  I find this type of “news” more insulting than the crap I see on FOX.

It’s the same garbage you see on FOX.  I have some advice for Keith and Rachel: if you want to be laugh that much while “reporting” the “news”, then move to a comedy channel.

My computer is not turning on nor is my car.  Both happened at about the same time.  How weird is that?   I’m trying to get the symbolism from this and it seems to me I should be doing more of my silence.  I just need to convince P of that. ha.

I have the house to myself for a few days. In trying to invoke some type of magical transformation for myself, I decided to have no contact with anyone and silence for 24 hours.

I broke silence three times. Two times with email and one trip to the grocery store. I guess the temptations were too great. The more I try things like this the less I am in awe of people who go into the mountains for months. It’s easy to be zen with no distractions.

When all is said and done I am in a better mood. I’m going dancing tonight too.

While watching this I didn’t know whether to be impressed, shocked or annoyed.  In the end I found myself laughing.

Thanks to Sundar for the link.

Exhibit A:

The New Yorker runs a satirical cartoon image of a political figure - this is news?  It’s clearly poking fun of the FOX sponsored campaign of smear on Obama.  I think it’s funny.  Much funnier that say being a conservative Republican and seeing a cartoon of your candidate doing something asinine that’s actually true (not satire).

Exhibit B:

If you have any doubt left about whether or not Wolf Blitzer is a moron . . .

Once again I’ve spent weeks trying to write a non-chemo post. Frankly though nothing these days is as interesting to me as me. How’s that for small sizes?

My final Adriamycin and Cytoxan treatment was not near as bad as I feared. I got to a good place before the treatment (see my last post) then after my treatment I had some good old fashion healing time at my mom’s and then some serious time alone at Amma. I just came to a wonderful place. I mean I was centered, in the now, feeling great, whatever other positive catch phase you can think of, I was it.

Wednesday I went to meet my new oncologist. I’ll be doing my next set of treatments (Taxotere and Herceptin) a block away from my house in the ER of Jefferson County Hospital. My new doc. seems good. All should be well. But since that meeting my stomach and mood has been at times a little sour and at times very sour.

I know this is all in my power. I was not sick from chemo. I now realize how powerful my attitude impacts my recovery. Yet it can be very difficult to master.

I think that behind every negative emotion is fear. So I just have to have compassion for myself that I am scared. Why I could completely overcome it before and not now, I don’t know. It’s different now. You think you get it all figured out and the game changes.

This of course is the beauty of life! ;-)

This list has been surfacing on my Internet travels lately.  I like it.

How to Build Community

Turn off your TV
Leave your house
Know your neighbors
Look up when you are walking
Greet people
Sit on your stoop
Plant flowers
Use your library
Play together
Buy from local merchants
Share what you have
Help a lost dog
Take children to the park
Garden together
Support neighborhood schools
Fix it even if you didn’t break it
Have pot lucks
Honor elders
Pick up litter
Read stories aloud
Dance in the street
Talk to the mail carrier
Listen to the birds
Put up a swing
Help carry something heavy
Barter for your goods
Start a tradition
Ask a question
Hire young people for odd jobs
Organize a block party
Bake extra and share
Ask for help when you need it
Open your shades
Sing together
Share your skills
Take back the night
Turn up the music
Turn down the music
Listen before you react to anger
Mediate a conflict
Seek to understand
Learn from new and uncomfortable angles
Know that no one is silent though many are not heard. Work to change this.

Yes I’m mad as hell.  This is my candidate.

Created using wecanbelievein.com.

I’ve been noodling my disappointment with Obama for several weeks now.  I think I’m ready to pull the trigger and dump my endorsement of him from this blog (assuming Dawn agrees).  Our family has donated close to $300 to his campaign over the past year and I feel like it’s people like us who allowed him to win the primary.  And now with the primary won, he’s a different candidate - definitely not the one I supported.

Between his support of faith based initiatives and the FISA legislation, he’s showing a pattern of supporting and catering to Bush doctrines.  I didn’t think Obama was capable of doing such a thing, yet he’s running towards the middle just as Kerry did in 2004.  I find this highly disappointing and upsetting for two reasons.

First, who in the hell is leading the Democratic party?  Where is the confidence in the right position (which for some reason is to the “left”)?  Who are the knuckleheads advising Obama to leave his base and reach out for people that believe in illegal wire tapping and the integration of church and state?  Obama you don’t need McCain’s base.  You’ve got this election - just be the same person that won the primary.  WTF is going on here?

Second, I feel had by Obama.  I feel like he lied to me.  I feel like he stole from me.  This is not good.  If the past couple months are an indication of the type of President he’s going to be - I don’t want him as President.  I want my money back.  This country is done for if we cannot manage to elect a real leader.

I think back to the Iowa Caucus.  There I was standing with two other people under the sign that said Chris Dodd.  Dodd is not supporting FISA.

This system sucks.