On the drive to school this morning my daughter explained it to me:

“I love Benji, Benji loves Mira, Mira loves somebody else.  Isn’t that funny dad?”

Hmm, accessing memory banks . . . nope, I don’t ever recall a love triangle being funny.  Painful, melancholy, depressing and heart wrenching are the words I would use to describe that situation.

I used to be envious of 18 yr olds, now I’m envious of 4 yr olds.

I haven’t really understood all the attention that the Reverend Wright issue is getting and have largely ignored it. Then I watched some recent coverage by FOX and MSNBC on Reverend Wright’s speech at the National Press Club event.

Here’s what Tucker Carlson and the MSNBC Morning Joe crew have to say about it:

I previously didn’t give much thought on the Reverend Wright issue largely because I just wanted to ignore it - I don’t want to see Obama railroaded. Now having heard the Reverend I do not understand what’s at issue here. Sure the guy has a unique style and flare, but he speaks his mind and honestly I agree with him. He makes a good point about differences in perception between black and other dialects. I haven’t attended church in decades but frankly I’d love go see this guy give a sermon. It’d be like having George Carlson or Chris Rock as your reverend (sans profanity of course).

It makes me sick to my stomach to see Tucker Carlson and the Morning Joe crew slander Obama through such ignorant statements about their highlights of the Reverend’s speech. The combination of witch hunting, close mindedness, ignorance and a complete lack of journalism infuriates me. It’s no wonder that I don’t watch network or cable news anymore except for the tidbits thrown on YouTube as an example of how ridiculous major news networks have become.

I want someone like Obama to take the presidency even more than I did yesterday. And I am really going to be mad at this country if he is made unelectable through this type of Reverend Wright nonsense.

I’m sincerely curious if anyone who reads this blog has an issue with Reverend Wright, and if so what that issue is, and if that issue has any relevance to Obama’s ability to run the country.

I decided last night I needed to buy scarves now! I hadn’t seen anything in town. I did searched the Internet, ended up on eBay and found some cute options.

I out bid someone and instantly felt guilty. Oh no! I am in a bidding war with other chemo patients! How uncool is that? We should be working together and helping each other! But here I am, perhaps taking away some poor woman’s only head wear option! Will she be walking around with only her old bandanna to wrap her head?

I fret away, until Will assures me the seller has hundreds and probably puts some up for auction every hour.

I hope she knows to look again.

The other day on the ride home from school I was asking my daughter how her day went.

She told me that she had pretended to be a witch at school:

“I put a broomstick under my vagina because that’s what makes you a witch.”

Ever since I turned thirty I’ve been having these moments of accomplishment where I say to myself, “OK, I can die now”, as in “I’m living a full life”. There’s a checklist buried deep in my subconscious - a “to do” list of events and tasks that increase my level of contentment with my own mortality.

The best thing about this list is it’s a discovery process. I have zero visibility as to what is on that list. What do know so far is that the list isn’t full of items that are universal experiences. You know like, climb the pyramids of Egypt (although that does sound fun).

For example I had a great one the other night at home while cooking dinner. I was in the kitchen, and all the sudden the song Antilyrical by Seaweed starts playing, the first track on their album Actions and Indications. I assumed it was Dawn being sweet - Seaweed is one of my favorite bands and I would argue the best post-punk band period. A lot of good memories are associated with Seaweed.

Minutes later the song Thru The Window, the next song on the album, starts playing and the volume goes up a couple clicks. Wow, this is great I’m thinking, my wife must be rocking out in the other room.

Next Hard Times starts up, a quick song with some heavy punk surges to it that you just cannot help to lunge forward in time with. In comes my daughter, shirtless and in tights, holding the music control and hopping around and shaking her head. With her red hair she’s like a really cute version of Animal from the muppets. I smile at her and she smiles back, and turns it up another notch. We form a tiny mosh pit in a kitchen in the middle of Iowa.

I realize my four year old daughter has not only found, but loves, Seaweed.

Another item checked off my big to do list.

I get ten minutes a day to wallow. Thanks for the suggestion Beth!

As part of my quest to lighten up I went to the David Lynch Weekend concert last night. Moby was great, it was fun to hear some of his best songs, he is very personable and the people accompanying him were good too.

Despite the occasional mini panic of being surrounded by millions of people’s germs (I’m suppose to watch that sort of thing now) I had a fun time.

At the end of the concert while Donovan and Chrysta Bell butchered the Beatles tune, “Across The Universe”, I found myself thinking what a great song! And I feel inspired today to put into practice. Just after I improve my attitude a bit. ha.

Last night I was dreaming of vacationing on a tiny island in the tropics. I was laying and reading on a lounger underneath a large umbrella when I heard screams and the loud crash of water. An enormous humanoid monster, looking like something out of Clash of the Titans was coming out of the sea. Imagine a gigantic Xena, but with a set of long tentacles in addition to arms, seaweed instead of hair and eyes that were on fire.

Soon the Sea Monster was wreaking havoc: eating people, crushing and tossing others and destroying anything in it’s path (mainly loungers and umbrellas).  Normally, I panicked.  There was nothing around me for hundreds of yards except sand and palm trees and a small cabana bar. I ran to the cabana bar to hide, fearful that it wouldn’t be a great hiding place and I would simply be crushed when the giant tentacle flaying Xena smashed it in her monster rage.

As I entered the cabana I noticed that part of the patio was an Internet cafe, which at the moment was empty. I sat down and started checking email.

Soon the Sea Monster was behind me, peering over my shoulder and then looking to the other open computers. I took one of her tentacles and placed it on the mouse of a nearby computer and then moved the tentacle around to show her how the cursor on screen was controlled by the movement of the mouse.

Flaming eyes were replaced with normal eyes, now open wide and staring intently at the magic happening on the computer screen. The Sea Monster sat down and started surfing the Internet.

Later she taught me how to swim in return.

It hasn’t been for me. And that is me. Things don’t come easy to me because I don’t like them to. That is who I am.

I talked to a “survivor” who went through the same chemo treatment. She made it sound like a cake walk. Now, I know she wanted to be supportive and positive and that is appreciated but at the same time I resented her. I resent her for having it easy. It was like she was saying, “it should be easy for you.”

I have to look at myself and ask why can’t I let this be as easy as possible on me? Why can’t I get out of my way? The crux of my life is to lighten up and get out of my way.

The short story is I am fine.  The long story is I felt sick by the time we got home from my first chemo treatment.  I took my medicine and slept until noon today.    I woke up sluggish and have been kinda slow all day.   I have not taken any medicine today and that feels great.